Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I think

I pissed my Mom off today. Oh well she'll get over it. Her blood pressure is up and the doctor is trying to figure out a combo of drugs to get it down so I mentioned did he know that she's under a lot of stress about what my Dad is going through with his dementia. He said that stress could be playing on her and offered for her to go to counseling about it if she feels the need. She kept telling him that she was talking to people at the VA like the Social Worker for my Dad but she's not. She might have said hi to her but that's about it. The doctor kept asking her how she was handling the pressure and stress of it all and she told him she's fine. That she pulls herself out of it when she gets in a funk. I told her it might be nice to meet somebody that she could talk to besides me. She uses me as a sounding board. Ever since I've been grown enough to listen she's done it so I'm used to it but now she's starting to make me feel guilty about stuff that's beyond my control plus I don't need to know all of her feelings. I mean it helps to know them so I can gauge how she's doing mentally but I think she forgets I'm her daughter not a dear friend or sister and I don't know......I feel if she had somebody else to talk to that knows nothing about the whole situation she could really let go of stuff that is making her feel bad. I know she's feeling guilty and like she's deserted my Dad but there's nothing I can do. He's better off in the VA. No one is able to take care of him like they are and its a full time job just taking care of him. Maybe if we were all in better health and none of us had to work we could or if we were rich and keep him at home but none of that is about to change any time soon. I try to let her just talk but she goes on and on about the bills, why hasn't my sister paid this, that and the other. I feel guilty because I can't give them any money. Then she starts in on why can't my brother do this or that? Well, gee Mom, maybe because he's actually sicker than you are and not supposed to lift over 10 pounds? And again I feel guilty cause I can't get to her house except for Mondays usually. I never hear anything bad about baby sister come out of her mouth and then I feel guilty when I think oh gee must be nice to have a baby and use him as an excuse to not do anything for them. Ugh! I hate feeling this way. That's why I blog it all here. I get it out and I feel better. I have to remind myself I'm doing what I can with the fact that I have two school age kids and the fact that we're home alone for the week and Chris is just home on weekends. If I don't have the energy to take care of my own how can I be expected to tackle other things?

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